no, I'm through.

Fuck sakes you bitch. what the hell do you think you are? how many times have you deleted me on facebook? only to re add me like 2 days later? as if I'm your fucking dog, supposed to come when you call. I'm my own person you masochistic fuck. I can't believe you, every time you tell me your sorry for how things ended and yea, of course I miss you but that doesn't change the fact that you ruined my life. I was 15 for fuck sakes, you told me that if I broke up with you that you'd kill yourself.I was terrified.you can't do that kind of shit to a 15 year old kid. I was just a boy for goodness sakes.  ,  you told me that you'd been raped only weeks before meeting me, as if excepting me to be at your every beck and call, I felt so bad for you, but I loved you. I wanted to give you the world but all you did was whine and bitch about how I wasn't trying? fuck you. you have to cops come to the school and interview me about your rape when all I know is what you told me? everyone in the fucking school probably thought I was under arrest. and to top the whole thing off I find out that everything you told me was a lie? that's pretty fucking low and I'm sick and tired of putting up with your shit, there are good people on this earth, you're just not one of them.

actually? are you serious? I can't keep apologizing for you assuming something. I told you I probably wasn't going to be able to call, I tried my hardest to stay awake for you but I fell asleep, I'm sorry I wasn't able to, and it sucks for me too but that shouldn't ruin the rest of your night/day/life. I'm not perfect sweetheart, I'm not always going to be there for you, but you should be happy for the times I am, not assuming I'm always going to be and then get dejected when I'm not able to come for one day. You're making this very hard for me, I've done nothing but try and make you happy but nothings good enough for you unless I devote my entire day to you and then by the next day you expect me to do the same? I love you but I can't live always worried you'll assume I'll do something and then I dont your entire day is thrown to shit. we're both more mature than that babe. I've been very accepting of you but I'm not sure if you're willing to do the same.. I cherish every moment I get with you because I know we're both busy people and time together is a privilege  not a right. I really want this relationship to work because I love you more than anything but I'm never going to be able to meet your expectations if you expect me to stay up every night and come see you every break, it's just not practical baby. You're a huge part of my life but you're not the whole thing and I have other stuff that i need to get done. Calling me a jerk and telling me to screw off only make me think you're immature and a healthy relationship can never work if you look for any opportunity to cut me down. everything that happened  last night could have been avoided if you'd just not assumed anything. I love you lissa, but we both need to change if this is going to work.

yours always,
Jess

Have you ever just sat infront of your computer waiting for the perfect first line to pop into your cerebrum?

yesterday you told me you'd feel more secure if we were dating because you wouldn't feel like a fling.. baby that hurts me, I love you so much and I thought I'd shown you that I really care about you for the long run, I really love you and I would never use you for a fling. ever. I know you probably don't want to just hear me say it, and I know my actions will speak louder than my words but I can't prove it to you, I can only stay with you forever and love you with all I have. and I want to do that. you won't know i wont leave you untill I dont.  I know a thousand I love you's wont cement this thought into your beautiful mind but I can try my hardest to prove to you and I really do love you, and I really want to make this crazy little thing called love work.

I love you,

to the one I love,

I tried to warn you baby. I knew you wouldn't like what you've seen. Just know that I trust you with everything I have, it love you with every fiber of my being and I want to be with you forever. maybe you're too mad to read what I'm really saying, but if you believe anything believe this. I love you, I trust you. and I believe in you. whatever you're feeling right now I dont know because you've closed off to me but I hate hurting you and i neverr want to. I really don't care about brandon or ian, when we're together I forget about anything you may have done, because it's just you and I... and a cop.. I'm not perfect either baby, I know that more than anyone, I get easily jealous and I'm very protective of those I love.. Please forgive me for feeling this way, I just love you and I never want to lose you.. please...

jesse

You can do no wrong in my eyes, I love you, my dove.

what do you want?

This doesn't have to be complicated. You want to read this, so I said you can, and now you don't want to. I don't understand. I know im complicated with what I want and don't want, but you seem to understand the underlying things behind it. but sometimes I don't understand you.. I really love you alot and I want to spent the rest of my life with you but I don't know if you're really willing to wait. I know that if I was in your position I would try to go as far as we could as fast as we could so that we were equal sexually but I really want to wait untill we're married to take that next step. I know sometimes I go too far and that's because I love you and I've never had to control myslf like that before.. but I love where we are right now and i love how comfortable you are with me, if we stay together for a long time maybe I'll give in and give you all of me but for right now I dont want to.. we havn't known eachother for that long but I've really fallen in love with you, but for me to take that next step I need to have more security that just being together for a month or whatever you say we are.. I know we're not dating but I think that courting is more serious than dating. I dont even know where Im going with this.. so I'll stop. I love you,

jesse

I've mainly just not lost my virginity because I've never really gotten the chance. with beth we were too young to get that serious, the next girl was Lainey and I never really wanted to because I knew she'd done things I didn't like. but tonight I could have. Me and Melissa were kissing in the back of my van, I dont like to say making out because that just sexualizes it and I'm not into that.  but I couldn't go all the way. I mean I love her and it felt right but I couldn't do it. I dont want to lose my virginity before I get married because I know if things dont work out it makes for a whole bunch of hurt that I dont really want. I never go into a relationship thinking it wont work but I know that sometimes it doesn't and I really hope it does I just want to be careful. It's really hard knowing I wont be able to have sex with her because I'm scared of hurting myself. it would have been so easy, it felt so right.. Im sorry Melissa, I love you but I'm not sleeping with you untill we're married, that's how it's got to be.

I care,

Im pissed that you didn't wait for me. It's been so hard for me to stay abstinent and here you are sleeping with 2 peole? I dont even know if there's more than that and i dont even know if I want to. I tell you I dont care because i really like you and you like me too but it sucks.. you'll be my first and I'll just be one of many... I know you say you regret it but that doesn't change that you did what you did.. I know you loved them and i dont hold it against you at all I just need you to know how I feel if this thing's going to work, and I want them to. it just sucks that I waited and you didn't. you know?